How am I feeling right now?
If I was sum up my feelings in a matter of words, this would be the list.
Tired, upset, tearful, resentful, paranoid, envious, lonely, depressed, hopeless, useless, desperate, miserable, anxious, scared…
I wrote this poem back in May when I had been diagnosed with Depression and thought my life would end in my own hands.
Swallowed whole
I am sinking in a sea of my own misery
Those faces are but blank canvases
Encircling my drowning soul
They can not assist me out of those murky waters
The waters, the dark abyss
Devouring every remaining fragment of joy
My head droops so low beneath
Weary and pessimistic
Cannot peer above the surface,
Where the sun shines
Where the euphoria exudes in clouds that fill the blue sky
My world is but colourless,
A black and white movie that refrains from playing,
I am its star.
The lonely, lonely falling star.
Cruelly separated from the world of the living,
Entrapped in those misty waters of desolation
“Let me be recognised, allow me to see
the sun of life again.”
I promise I won’t refrain.
Do I still need to explain how I’m feeling? Oh I had a great Christmas in York. But I’m back home now. Dan’s remained up North to see out the new year and is due to return on Tuesday. I feel so awful it’s indescribable. When I’m alone, without him and no one to talk to, all those negative thoughts begin to stir in my mind again. I get so stupidly paranoid at little things. I cry when the slightest thing upsets me (I won’t elaborate). I feel like a fool. A fool people will soon get fed up of and I’m sure they already have. I’ve only been home a day or so and already my mother is making it clear she’s sick of the sight of me. WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH ME? Why am I so damn emotional and sensitive? I feel so useless… inadequate… ugly, fat: Unattractive. I’m such a lump. How can I try and look at positives when I barely have any?! I have no friends, nobody cares. Screw people who read this and think I’m some sort of whiny little nobody. Unfortunately it’s due to a mental illness I cannot control. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I died. I’m not scared of death anymore, I’m only scared of life and what will happen to me. I can’t sleep. But I suppose I should at least try. | 
